I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
vagina is talking i cant
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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