i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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