girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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