You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
