My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
