Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm like, not good at living.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
