he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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