apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
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