I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
