Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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