Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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