1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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