Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
