I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
