did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Vodka?
Forever.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
