My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
