Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
