I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
