I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
