I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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