She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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