there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
