make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He passed out mid-signature
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
