Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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