I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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