I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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