so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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