I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
