Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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