He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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