I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
