My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
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