I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
