i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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