Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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