I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
