Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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