Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
