I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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