I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My breasts were aching with rage.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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