when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
