nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
