My first STD was from a foam party
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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