I love black thongs
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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