if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
