Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
