He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
