I wish my penis had an off switch
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
