I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
