oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
